Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
