Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
