I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
