I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
