i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Randomize
