I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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