I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
