i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
