I just pynch a tree in the face
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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