Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Michael Bay diarrhea
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
