There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Floor bacon is actually really good
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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