Only a mothe r could love this liver
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
