Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
how drunk are you?
Several
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
