Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
