During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
