I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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