It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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