It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
