Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
