I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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