I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
