it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
