You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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