I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
