i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I enjoy the company of your penis
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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