broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
