I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
