I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
