On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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