Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
