You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
