dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Randomize
