I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Randomize
