Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I have post one night stand depression
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
