Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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