you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
