like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
