You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
