Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
