I molested 6 butterflies tonight
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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