Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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