there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
you never un-have a 4some
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
