I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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