You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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