my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
