WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
