For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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