I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
