she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
