I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
dude. I can hear the air.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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