The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
