I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
