I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
